god i’m a dork Posts

Seriously. This is what my life is like.

A day in the life of me:

6:30am – alarm goes off.
6:30 and 30 seconds am – SNOOZE
6:35am – 2nd alarm goes off
6:35 and 30 seconds am – SNOOZE
[Repeat the above steps]
7:30am – stumble out of bed
7:30am – HYGENICS
7:35am – dress
7:37am – wonder where the fuck I threw my bra
7:39am – find bra under pile of books/yarn/jackets/thrown over bathroom door
7:41am – wonder where the fuck the shoes are
7:42am – find shoes under blankets on floor/in bathroom/ under dogs bed
7:43am – wonder why the fuck I don’t use the closets I have. Vow to use them.
7:45am – feed Gem!Rat while yelling at the dog to stop bloody whining for one bloody minute while I’m feeding the rats for the love of all that is holy before I cook you into tacos.
7:46am – grab Quorra!Rat the Neckwarmer.
7:46am – attempt to get the dog to sit down already so I can put her leash on.
7:47am – walk the dog while Quorra!Rat attempts to burrow in my hair/climb down my shirt
7:50am – tell the dog “OMG WILL YOU JUST PEE ALREADY?!”
8:00am – grab something resembling breakfast, lament about not packing a lunch.
8:05am – head off to work. Curse the slow ass cars that will cause me to be lateomgmove
8:30am – dash frantically to the time clock wondering how the hell it took me so long to get to work.
8:32am – start work
8:45am – sign on to trillian. Begin bored poking of people.
9:00am – realize no one is at work yet. Begin bored poking of twitter.
9:15am – wander to the breakroom to get cereal.
9:20am – start scanning ALL THE THINGS.
10:20am – start daydreaming about lighting the lazy bastard who couldn’t even check to make sure things scanned properly on fire.
10:30am – check email in hopes that an order came in so that I don’t have to scan anymore.
10:32am – will the phone to ring so I can stop with the goddamn scanning.
10:40am – grab for phone if it means I don’t have to scan.
10:45am – slack on twitter/IMs
[Repeat 9:20 – 10:45]
1:30pm – OMGLUNCHYAY
2:00pm – joke with coworkers about random crap because we are all bored.
4:00pm – ACTUAL WORK
5:00pm – FLEEEEEEEEE
5:05pm – curse traffic
5:30pm – get home
5:32pm – check food/water for the zoo.
5:40pm – OMG PUPPY I WILL WALK YOU IN A MINUTE CAN’T YOU SEE I JUST GOT HOME.
6:00pm – Get back home for being dragged around the block by the dog
6:15pm – decide to read for a bit before dinner.
9:00pm – wake up from nap that I didn’t intend to take while reading.
9:15pm – make grilled cheese because I can’t be arsed to make anything else because it’s so late.
9:45pm – take puppy out for another walk. Threaten to cook her into tacos when she doesn’t want to pee.
10:00pm – shower.
10:15pm – vow to go to bed at a decent hour so I’m not a zombie in the morning.
10:16pm – WHEEE GTALK CONVERSATIONS
1:00am – realize fuck it’s 1am and I am still awake
1:02am – fall asleep
1:02 and 30 seconds am – wake up when the puppy jumps on me. Realize I didn’t take her out.
1:03am – hunt for jacket.
1:05am – take dog out.
1:20am – SLEEPS.

Repeat.

Somedays there’s library visits. Or waking up earlier to take the boy to work too. But pretty much, yeah, that’s my life.

Tart’s Steps for Drinking Like A Semi-Responsible Adult

I’m sure we’ve all been there. That horrible day at work or in your personal life. You just need to drink. If it’s bad enough (or you’re like me and always have to drive home) you may want to drink alone. Also, midweek drinking is not always conducive to social drinking depending on work schedules. So I’ve put together this handy list for drinking during your work week.

Step 1: Set A Goal
Decide your plan of attack for the night. Do you just want to unwind after work or are you planning on being passed out on your kitchen floor? Personally I set levels like this: Buzzed, Tipsy, Drunk, Shitfaced, Blackout. This will help you know what supplies you need.

Step 2: Gather Supplies
Depending on your Goal, what do you need? Beer, Wine, Liquor? How much? Will you need to eat? Do you get drunk munchies? Ice? These things are important! Nothing will kill a buzz quicker than realizing that you’ve poured your drink but have no ice. Or only have 1 shot left. Make a list and grab everything you need.

Step 3: Prep work
This is the fun part. Put anything that needs to chill in the fridge/freezer. Need to make lunch for work the next day? Do that now. Need to shower? Better to do it now than to be drunk and stumbling in the shower trying to shave your legs while swaying and squinting through one eye. Bosses also frown on you showing up for work smelling like a bar room floor. If you get everything done before hand you can drink to your heart’s content (and your liver’s dismay) without screwing yourself over. Protip: Make sure there’s TP in the bathroom. Possibly even an extra roll. Handy for all the increased peeing you’ll be doing. Also handy for blowing your nose if you get to the puking point.

Step 4: Profit.
Drink. Enjoy.

(optional) Step 5: Water.
If your goal was Drunk or beyond, drink water and pop an ibuprofen or two before you go to sleep.

And that kids is how you become/remain a functional, working drunk.