How To Be A Functional Drunk

Tart’s Steps for Drinking Like A Semi-Responsible Adult

I’m sure we’ve all been there. That horrible day at work or in your personal life. You just need to drink. If it’s bad enough (or you’re like me and always have to drive home) you may want to drink alone. Also, midweek drinking is not always conducive to social drinking depending on work schedules. So I’ve put together this handy list for drinking during your work week.

Step 1: Set A Goal
Decide your plan of attack for the night. Do you just want to unwind after work or are you planning on being passed out on your kitchen floor? Personally I set levels like this: Buzzed, Tipsy, Drunk, Shitfaced, Blackout. This will help you know what supplies you need.

Step 2: Gather Supplies
Depending on your Goal, what do you need? Beer, Wine, Liquor? How much? Will you need to eat? Do you get drunk munchies? Ice? These things are important! Nothing will kill a buzz quicker than realizing that you’ve poured your drink but have no ice. Or only have 1 shot left. Make a list and grab everything you need.

Step 3: Prep work
This is the fun part. Put anything that needs to chill in the fridge/freezer. Need to make lunch for work the next day? Do that now. Need to shower? Better to do it now than to be drunk and stumbling in the shower trying to shave your legs while swaying and squinting through one eye. Bosses also frown on you showing up for work smelling like a bar room floor. If you get everything done before hand you can drink to your heart’s content (and your liver’s dismay) without screwing yourself over. Protip: Make sure there’s TP in the bathroom. Possibly even an extra roll. Handy for all the increased peeing you’ll be doing. Also handy for blowing your nose if you get to the puking point.

Step 4: Profit.
Drink. Enjoy.

(optional) Step 5: Water.
If your goal was Drunk or beyond, drink water and pop an ibuprofen or two before you go to sleep.

And that kids is how you become/remain a functional, working drunk.

One thought on “How To Be A Functional Drunk

  1. Would be worth mentioning to set your alarm clock somewhere in Step 3, because you ultimately do have things to do in the morning. even if you don’t want to think about it while drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

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