Not So Happy Mother’s Day

((AN: I’ve had this post sitting for a bit, obviously, but I’ve held off pushing Publish for a variety of reasons, so let’s just file this under Stuff Tart Doesn’t Like To Talk About))

As I’m sure everyone is well aware, Mother’s Day was not too long ago.
/finger twirl. I’m sorry, is my bitter showing? My bad. But this is
not (entirely) about how Mother’s Day turns me into a
pea-soup-spewing, head-spinning-’round, evil bitch from hell. This is
about how Mother’s Day also turns me into a bawling, sniffling,
snotty, non-functional mess. Why the crying you ask? (And even if you
didn’t ask, I’m going to tell you.)

Because people don’t think before they speak.

Shocker right? No, I’m not new to the whole People Are Douchenozzles
Theory. I’ve known this for years. First off, let me say that I have a
LOT of friends with kids. My facebook is littered with pictures of
everyone smuggling basketballs, and auto updates of how many weeks
they are and how their big their little Cthulhus are getting. I don’t
mind. Really I don’t. Most of the time I’m downright excited. More
kiddos for me to play with and spoil. But the thing that most people
don’t realize is this:

Seeing all that? Fucking hurts. BAD.

There. I’ve said it. Let the floggings begin. There is a reason
though. See, I have PCOS. This means that my likelihood of getting
pregnant without IUI or IVF is very slim. So while everyone is dropping shorties, I get to sit and watch with the realization that it may
never happen for me. And that it won’t happen without much planning
and timing. No little “oh we just started trying” or pleasant
surprises. No. It will be calendars and Basal Temperatures and cycles
of Clomid and peeing on sticks everyday and “OMG NOW I DON’T CARE WHAT
YOU ARE DOING” and heartbreaks of seeing a single (or no) line. But
I’ve accepted this. And to an extent I’ve learned to live with the
pain of it all. Because trust me, I don’t care how much you love your
SO or you know they love you, having to look at them and say “you do
realize that no matter how much we want it some day, it may not
happen, right?” is like a knife to the gut. It’s an almost crippling
fear sometimes.

The thing I wasn’t prepared for was this year. I’ve been struggling
with Mom Issues a lot this year. I just turned 27, she was 27 when she
had me, I’m getting over a marriage that failed spectacularly and
dealing with the fact that even though my mom would ADORE The Boy,
she’ll never get to meet him. But anywho, that’s a whole other can of
worms. Add to all that the fact that one of my FB friends made the
following comment. “Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms out there.
Until you’ve had a kid, you can’t possibly understand and you don’t
know what you are missing. I feel sorry for people that don’t have
kids, they’ll never know what love really is.” Gee. Thanks. I’m not
proud to say that snark got the better of me in this situation and I
replied with a “well, some of us do know exactly what we are missing
but thanks for the painful reminder!” But now I share with you some of
the /awesome/ responses I got and my remarks to them.

“Infertility is God’s way of saying you aren’t ready for kids.” So,
the fact that I love kids and am awesome with them and have wanted to
be a mom for years now makes me unqualified? You mean to tell me the
12 year old moms of the world are ready, but I’m not? Am I really that
shitty of a person? AWESOME.

“Maybe that attitude is why your marriage failed and why you don’t
have kids now.” No. My marriage failed because my ex-husband felt the
need to fuck anything with tits that hit on him. Provided it wasn’t me
of course. And given his love for telling me I needed to diet and that
he wasn’t attracted to me because of my weight, I could have seen a
pregnancy going over REAL well. NEXT.

“H8R” – Learn to English, motherfucker. Yes, Yes I am a hater towards
people who don’t understand that some of us don’t get pregnant by
sitting in the same chair as someone else. Also, despite my preference
for sunshine and flowers and shitting rainbows, I’ve been through a
lot of very painful things. Not knowing that and assuming that
everyone has had an easy life doesn’t excuse being a dick, and I have
every right to snark back.

Comments like this (and more) went on all day, and meant that I spent
most of the day in tears. Despite what some people think, infertility
is a real thing. And a PAINFUL thing. It is a million slow deaths
every day. It never goes away. Every pregnancy announcement, baby
shower photo, story of your kid, photo of expanding bellies is another
knife added to the collection of guilt that is bleeding me dry. I
don’t resent you anything and am often happy for you and I will never
make you feel bad for being excited, even if it makes me want to curl
in a ball and cry or rage at the world for the injustice of it all.
All I ask is please, please, PLEASE, be aware that the issue exists
and be mindful of your words.

TL;DR: Infertility sucks, be aware that people may be dealing with it
and don’t feel the need to share it with the world and Don’t Be A
Dick. <3

6 thoughts on “Not So Happy Mother’s Day

  1. Hi there! First… /HUGS /HUGS /HUGS

    My sister also has PCOS and she’s been trying for YEARS now. It breaks my heart because she is great with kids and really would like to have at least one (or 5) of her own.

    I wish I had something super uplifting to tell you, but I suck at that kind of thing. Just know that there are quite a few people who can empathize with your pain and hope your life story has a happy ending. Cuz you’re awesome. <:}

  2. Hi Tart,

    I’m actually someone who is not able to have children, either or I have a very slim chance of that happening (for various health reasons which are too complicated to go into here).

    Regardless, I have felt the pain that you’re feeling and the animosity towards others who proceed to say things like “only a mother could understand” or who don’t realize that they’re saying hurtful things to those who maybe can’t have children.

    I never really had the maternal urge to begin with. I like children, but I like giving them back more. I have never really felt the pain you’re feeling from friends or family, but more from love interests and things like that.

    For some men, dating a woman who can’t have children is a deal breaker. They don’t understand that adoption is an option (a very *good* option) or surrogates or things like that. It can be a non-negotiable. I already have a hard time finding a decent guy that I could see myself settling down with and if you add *this* to the mix, it narrows my chances even further.

    I also think that just because a woman *can* have children that makes it makes her a better or more capable mother. I know plenty of biological moms that were awful parents and my own mom and I haven’t spoken in years. Most of who I consider my family consists of what you would call “water” and not “blood.” I don’t mind that one bit.

    I was raised in a loving family and while it may not have been “typical,” I was raised quite well and I wouldn’t change any of it. Not even for a second.

    You sound like you have a *lot* of love to give and you do have options and this isn’t nearly the end of it for you. I think if and when you do decide to go there someday (if that’s what you want), I think you would be a great mom and I wish you all the luck in the world with that. Not to mention the Boy sounds like he would be a great dad, too.


    (Sorry for the wall o’ text)

  3. People are so insensitive. I have to admit, I get a little Bitter Betty when people “oops” get pregnant, because I too will have to carefully plan, and hope, and chart ovulation cycles, take numerous tests, and hope to god that it works. I have so much more to say about that, but I think you get what I’m trying to say. *hugs*


  4. Though I can’t understand exactly what you or your commenters are going through, I do understand limitations due to health reasons. With modern medical science and not to mention many other options that were already mentioned, motherhood will happen for you if you want it to, because you are brilliant and resourceful. And you will make a great mommy. <3

  5. Tart…there’s nothing I can say that can make any of this better or at least make you feel better about the situation.

    Let me just say that for every judgmental douchebag out there that condemns you for being “cursed by God”, a failure of a woman, or throws you into any other assinine category, there is another person out there that empathizes, sympathizes, and loves you for the person you are.

    You may not always know who they are, but here’s one raising his hand…

  6. I popped here through a retweet… and you really captured my attention.

    I’m 27. I don’t know yet whether I may or may not have fertility troubles, but when I’ve seen messages like the ones you’ve posted (and I have), they have made me so angry. People can be so inconsiderate and so thoughtless.

    In general, I see a lot of very self-indulgent mothers on Facebook, so maybe the self-indulgence and lack of consideration go hand-in-hand. I don’t know if that comment makes it any better, but… *frowns*

    Good on you for posting this, because I’m sure there must be many many others out there feeling the same way. And you shouldn’t have to feel put down like that!

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